It’s been fun having a blog, but lately my heart hasn’t really been in it.  So I’m taking a break.  It’s not you.  Really.  It’s me.  I’ve changed, and I need different things in my life.  So I’m going to take a couple of months off, and re-evaluate after the new year.

On the other hand, though, I just joined Facebook, so if you haven’t friend requested me yet, what are you waiting for?

Madonna’s getting another divorce! 

Does this mean she’ll stop using her horrible fake English accent (which is sooo much worse than my fake English accent)?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard (or read) that a white person won’t vote for Barack Obama because he’s a Muslim, so you’ll just have to take my word for it that it’s been a lot of times.  Enough times, at least, that I’m tired of it.  (So, at least twice.) 

There are several problems with the statement “I am voting for McCain because I don’t trust Obama because he’s a Muslim.”  They are:

1. It’s untrue.  Barack Obama identifies his religious leanings as Christian, and always has.
2. Just because his name sounds Muslim does not mean he is a Muslim.  As my mother drilled into my brother’s and my heads as children, Cow One is not Cow Two.
3. Even if he were a Muslim … so what?  That makes him inherently untrustworthy and/or unfit for the Office of the President?  Last time I checked, Muslims are a large and diverse population, made up of people who rank at all levels of trustworthy-ness, from “so trustworthy you can leave your baby with them” to terrorist.
4. Assuming that Muslims are untrustworthy is just as faulty as assuming all “Christians” are trustworthy.  Again, last time I checked, Hitler, the Catholic Church, and Christopher Columbus were all Christians, and they’ve easily each killed more people than modern Muslim terrorists.  Happy Columbus Day, by the way.
5. Claiming that his (incorrect) religion is the reason you won’t vote for Obama is just as bad as saying you won’t vote for him because he’s black.  If you’re going to discriminate, own it.  Using an excuse that is so blatantly false makes it sound like you’re using it as a cover for your own closeted racism.  So until you embrace your idiocy, I’m going to scorn you twice as much for not just being a racist, but for knowing it’s bad enough that you feel the need to hide it behind religious intolerance.

Morons.

Proposed: The word “shenanigans” shall hereby be banned for use by any and all persons within the hearing or reading space of dittoHeston.

It’s just a stupid word.  And it gets misused ALL. THE. FRIGGIN. TIME.  So I’m proposing a complete and total ban.

If you look it up in Wikipedia, you get a link to “practical joke.”  And, to quote Wikipedia, “There is a thin line between practical jokes and hooliganism, bullying, vandalism and sadism.”

So to prevent me from becoming a hooligan, bully, vandal, or sadist, for the love of God, PLEASE stop using that word to describe your drunken night out on Saturday, bickering in Congress, your stalking efforts related to your ex, or any other hijinx you think you can make sound cute by using a stupid word.  Hijinx are hijinx, and they are usually more destructive than cute.  Trying to sound like a leprechaun while talking (or writing) about them doesn’t change anything.

I don’t know who the first person was to decide it might be a good idea to put carbs on top of carbs, creating the potato pizza, but that man (or woman) is a culinary genius.  (Not, perhaps, a nutritional genius, but you don’t order something called a “potato pizza” because you’re concerned about vitamins and calories.)

And the chef at Union who decided to add goat cheese and carmelized onions to it deserves a Nobel Prize in Cooking.

A bold statement, I know, but I’m standing by it.

Who has two thumbs and is kicking butt in all yahoo-based fantasy leagues?

I DO! (points thumbs obnoxiously towards self)

Still in fifth place in my NASCAR league (don’t know how, but I am), and I’m currently in FIRST in my football league.

Yes.

You’re right.

I’m awesome.

We just aren’t talking about that last place showing in the CBS-based football league.  Stupid Ben Roethlisberger and his stupid usless offensive line…

George.

Please.

Puh-leeeeze.

Arrested in a bathroom, again?

You’re better than that!

Remember the good times, George, and get your shit together.  Say it with me now: “Drugs are illegal.  I must not get caught in public places holding illegal substances.  That’s what my entourage is for.”

Once upon a time, I dated a guy who ended up being a giant waste of time (and space, and carbon molecules).  Shortly before The Incident that led to our inevitable breakup, I read a book I really loved.  So I gave him my copy so he could also experience the brilliance that was Blindness by Jose Saramago.

While I found the book captivating, intriguing, and beautiful, he was just freaked out by it.  Everyone randomly goes blind and society descends into chaos?  Fascinating, I thought.  Scary & disturbing & gross, thought he.

He talked about it for days after finishing the book.  How it gave him nightmares.  How terrified he was that the book could happen in real life.  He couldn’t get past the story line to appreciate the literature.

I was disappointed.

As I learned just a couple of weeks later, he was capable of infinitely greater disappointment.

So imagine my pleasure when I saw a preview for the movie version of the book the other day!

Is it wrong of me to hope that one of his friends makes him go see the movie, and that he has nightmares for weeks to come?

BTW, if you’re considering the movie, please read the book.  It’s really great.  Really.  Great.  And the movie couldn’t possibly be even half as good.

In my first day back at work, everyone keeps telling me “You look so well-rested!”

Is that just a nice way of telling me I looked like crap before I went on vacation?

Who would have thought you’d ever reach 50 without being incarcerated?

Who would have thought this would be the most normal period of your life & career?

Congrats on defying the odds!

I’m getting a little overwhelmed with the volume of spam comments coming into this blog, so we’re trying something new for the next few weeks while I’m preparing for, on, and recovering from my vacation next week.

I have been averaging about 1,000 spam messages per day the last month or so, and I just can’t keep spending time clearing them out.  So we’ll try the Registered User Approach and see if that helps.

From now on, you must be registered and logged in to post a comment.  Anyone can register - it’s free!  And easy!  So please don’t give up on me

We go back to the vet in the morning for a follow-up appointment, but the little vomit machine seems to have turned a corner.  There was about a week and a half there when I thought I was going to have to send her off to live on a farm so I wouldn’t have to clean up any more doggy puke, but last night she started keeping food down again.

A few lessons learned:

• If your dog ever throws up, make sure she/he doesn’t inhale any of it back into her/his lungs.  It’s way more trouble than it’s worth.
• Meat-flavored baby food is the most disgusting substance on the face of the earth.
• If you don’t have kids, and have to shop for meat-flavored baby food, go at a time when there aren’t any mothers in the baby food aisle at the store.  They get hostile if you’re dawdling in front of the display while they’re trying to get in and out before the baby wakes up from its nap.

If I get around to it this weekend, I’ll post a picture of the little invalid at her most pathetic.  If I don’t get around to it, imagine a purse-sized dog with a chapstick-sized IV port strapped to her leg.  I think she amped up the puppy dog eyes just to get sympathy…

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  I know that.  I intended to post earlier, but then my dog came down with a mystery disease and I’ve been a bit preoccupied.  We’ve seen two different vets in the last three days (emergency vet on Sunday and regular vet on Monday), and neither of them could tell what’s wrong with her.

So I’m calling on the World Wide Interwebs for help!

I’ll give you a list of her symptoms, and you tell me what could potentially be wrong with her.  I’m trying to stave off a second round of x-rays and blood tests (for both her comfort and my financial solvency), so hopefully you all, in your infinite Googling wisdom, can figure this out for us.  Here we go:

• Extreme lethargy - This is a dog that moves constantly.  Really and truly all the time activity.  She just can’t sit still … normally.  Since Friday afternoon, however, all she does is lay down.  She doesn’t get off the couch when I walk through the door.  She doesn’t jump up on my bed anymore.  She. Doesn’t. Move.
• Complete lack of appetite - The last time I am sure she ate voluntarily was Thursday night.
• Vomiting - Not frequent, but a couple of times when she has tried to eat she throws it right back up.
• One slightly loose tooth that doesn’t seem to be infected or bothering her when it’s touched.

And that’s pretty much it.  The x-rays showed she hasn’t swallowed anything that’s lodged anywhere, and none of her organs are the wrong size or shape or in the wrong place.  The blood tests showed it wasn’t pancreatitis (which led to her sister’s death earlier this year).  Her temperature is normal.  Upon examination, she doesn’t seem to have any physical pain anywhere.

The vet is stumped.  I’m frantic.  Tatum’s running on empty.  Help!

Want to know what I’m doing this weekend?

and

and

So I probably won’t be posting much over the next few days.  To quote Depeche Mode, enjoy the silence!

Rehab - it’s not just for racists anymore!

Apparently he doesn’t just throw moderation out the window when he’s at Walgreen’s!  How many hours do you think it’s going to take for his publicist to leak the news that he’s checked into Promises?  Or booked his appointment with Dr. Drew?  Or spent 42 minutes in prison?