dittoHeston.com

If you or someone you know ends up being responsible for disposing of me after I die, here’s what I want you to do with me.  And once I’m back, and they’re done doing their tests on me, cremate me and have them shoot the ashes into space.

As I expect to live for a long, long time, they’ll probably be testing shuttles to Mars by that point.  Or farther.  Any of that is fine.  It doesn’t have to be the moon (in fact, I’d actually prefer Mars or some other solar system to the moon).  It’s good to keep your options open…

But I bet aliens put it there.

Who knew you could make marshmallows at home?!?  And that they’d be so easy to make?!?  If you have a stand mixer, you’ll want to try this recipe asap.

No, I’m not exaggerating.

I made them yesterday morning, and they came out perfectly. And deliciously.  SUPER deliciously.  Like, “even if you don’t like marshmallows you won’t be able to keep your hands off these” deliciously.

Okay, I have to stop typing so I can go eat just one more…

Wednesday, July 9, 2008 - Saw George Michael perform “Careless Whisper” live in concert.

Childhood goals remaining:

#2 - launch into outer space accidentally while visiting the space shuttle

#3 - make out with John Cusack

#4 - prove to the world that eating tomatoes is actually bad for you

#5 - become member of the British Royal Family

It only took me 25 years to achieve the first goal … how long do you think it will be until NASA lets me on a shuttle?  Preferrably with Tate Donovan and Joaquin Phoenix?

Man, I’d hate to be a member of the Rooney family come Christmas this year if this doesn’t work out the way Dan (and the entire city of Pittsburgh) want…

Chant it with me now, everyone:

Stay in Pittsburgh!

Stay in Pittsburgh!

Stay in Pittsburgh!

Dear Prima Donna Crybabies,

Shut the hell up.

I’ve met actual babies who whine less than you.  Trust me - acting infantile makes you neither cute nor sweet smelling.

So are you done yet?

Sincerely,
dittoHeston

Kid posted some questions in response to my last post.  Some of them were actually worth answering.  So here you go.

1) how did you ever get into a NASCAR fantasy league in the first place?
I think I must have been invited as a joke.  A friend of mine runs a league for a bunch of his Harvard NASCAR friends, and I made fun of him for it.  A lot.  So much that he apparently thought it would be funny to invite me to join.  I think he assumed I would never do it.  Now I’m thinking they all regret the invite.

or

Guessing My Way to the Top

That’s right, baby … I’m in third place now!!!

Courtesy of my brother, a video of one of the awesomest songs from our childhood. 

Remember when we talked about my NASCAR Fantasy Team a couple of months ago?  Things have continued to go well in that area.  Apparently, I’m not just a Yarn Savant - I’m a White-Trash-Pseudo-Athletic-League Savant, too.  Six weeks ago I was in 8th place…

… and now I’m in FOURTH!!!  And I’m only 6 points out of third. 

(I’m still 235 points behind first, but that stat doesn’t sound so impressive so I’m not dwelling on it.)

So my new goal is to finish the season in the top three.  Excuse me, but I have to go guess at some drivers for next week.

The cast of the next Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew has been announced.  Awesome.  Rodney King?  Tawney Kitaen?  Another American Idol loser?  Brilliant!

P.S. If you didn’t watch season 1, you missed out.  It was actually really good.

…or effective behavior modification technique?  You be the judge! 

Disclaimer: This story is so not funny because the kid is 5 and has special needs.

But seriously - I didn’t know voting the annoying person out was even an OPTION in school!  How awesome would that have been if you could take a class vote and kick the annoying one out for the rest of the day?  If you’re that guy/girl who gets voted out, I have to imagine you’re going to change your behavior pretty quickly.  It’s peer pressure channelled in a positive way!

Sure, there need to be some guidelines.  Obviously you can’t vote out the 5-year-old autistic kid because that’s just mean.  So, how about a minimum age of 10 (or whatever grade that corresponds to)?  And no voting based on disability/gender/sexual orientation/ethnicity.  (Notice that I didn’t include religion - the preachy kid has got to be taught a lesson in tolerance!)  I think, though, with a little teacher regulation, this could be a very effective way to get the freaks to stop being so disruptive.

Then again, I don’t have kids, and I was never really the disruptive kid in class myself.  Thoughts?

Since all of my friends left town this weekend but I can’t afford to go anywhere, I’m making my own Big Weekend.  And it’s actually going really well, thanks to a couple of serendipitous surprises.

1. My Wii Fit arrived 5 days early!  And thank GOD I pre-ordered, because it’s now completely backordered on Amazon and the vultures are selling them for almost twice what I paid.  (I’m only a little annoyed at myself for not thinking far enough in advance to pre-order TWO, so that I would have one to sell for almost twice the original price…)  So instead of sitting around on my butt all weekend, like I would normally do on a holiday weekend, I’ve alternated between sitting on my butt and imaginary hula-hooping.  It’s certainly not as good a workout as actually working out, but it’s better than not doing anything at all.

2. I had a Major Find at a yard sale yesterday.  This will make me sound weird and more than a little lame, but I think you all know me well enough by this time so you won’t be surprised by that.  For the last few months, I’ve been wanting a slow cooker.  Specifically, I wanted the Rival 6-quart programmable Crock Pot with the dishwasher-safe removable crock.  But I know I won’t use it very often, so I have had a hard time justifying the expense ($60 average retail price) for something I’ll only use a couple of times a year.  So imagine my surprise when I found one at a yard sale yesterday morning!  I walked by on my way to run a few errands, so I told myself if it was still there when I was coming home I’d look at it.  It was.  It was brand new.  Never even taken out of the box.  They sold it to me for $20.  Yay!  Kalua pig for dinner tomorrow night, if anyone wants to come help me eat it

On top of the happy surprises, I saw the Transformers with that kid from Even Stevens last night, and Indiana Jones and that kid from Even Stevens tonight, and they were both pretty good.  I had low expectations for both, as both featured that kid from Even Stevens, and was pleasantly surprised by each.  Looks like I’ll have to find a Red Box tomorrow that has Holes so I can make it a trifecta.

Dear Women of NPR,

Please.  ENOUGH with the guilt trip, already!  The fact that I am more enthusiastic about Barack Obama than Hillary Clinton does not make me a traitor.

I get that you’re trying to report the sexism Hillary Clinton has faced over the course of her campaign.  I see it.  I recognize that it exists.  I do believe that it’s absurd and unacceptable.

But I would still rather have Obama in the White House.

And that doesn’t make me less of a woman.  Or mean that I care less about women not having equal opportunities with men in this country.  All it means is that I feel like Obama is the more qualified candidate.  Not because of what’s between his legs, but because of what’s between his ears.

I’m offering you a deal - stop trying to make me feel guilty about supporting a *gasp* male candidate, and I promise to tell people if they’re being stupid, sexist, and/or misogynistic when they talk about Hillary with me. 

I can’t promise I’ll picket NBC with you … because I have a job.  I have to go to work.  A job where every day I work with employees who perceive that they are treated unfairly because they are female, or old, or overweight, or a minority, or have a disability, or any number of other reasons people are treated unfairly.  That’s what I do.  For a living.

So enough with the veiled accusations.

Thank you,
dittoHeston

You may be asking yourself, why is today a happy day?

Because today is the day I signed up for the 2008 Sunday Ticket package!  (Yes, that’s how my Stimulus Package was deployed to fight the war on recession.)

I know it’s only May, but I AM READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL.